Let Me Tell Ya Whut Womens Are Good For…….

    I got the parts to fix the Honda with and now it’s back to it’s good old self.  That was a good day.  Then it happened.  Joann from down at the end of the street showed up with watermelon and cash money for a job, up front.  It was supper time and I was in my drawers and in the den on the computer.  Ma’am answers the door and of all the cacklin.  These two old hens were really going at it.  Ma’am comes back in and tellsme about how Joann wants me to cut the grass at her brothers house (Mom’s old house), heres the money.  WRONG!  I don’t do that house anymore.  Joann says you only gotta do the flat part, out front.  This place has about four levels and the front/lower level is all I can get a riding mower onto.  “It must be done tomorrow”, she says.  This one time, I’ll do it.  I gotta help pay Ma’am back for the new MTD Gold mower.  The next day, I go down there and it don’t really need cutting but I began.  Wow, this is easy but it is still hot and humid.  On most of it, I have to use the weedeater.  I’m earning that Sunday shower.  Ma’am says they are having outa town relatives and they want it to look nice.  I don’t blame them, so I done a good job for them and went home.  Everbody is happy and I am a nice guy. WRONG!!  Ma’am and I were going to town and I wanted her to drive down by there , so I could show here how nice it looks.  Kudo’s for Ronmower and it looked good.  She turns the car around and here comes Joann from town.  We all stopped in the street for a, well, I knew I was going to get even more Kudo’s.  Joann got a funny look on her face and asked me whut I was talking about.  I look at Ma’am, Ma’am looks at me.  I was supposed to mow the vacant yard where we were parked.  Swish, I turned my head towards this place that the house was torn down just before it fell down.  The weeds were over my head in places.  There were falling, over stacks of wood, rocks, and tin.  There was a roll of chicken wire, nails, screws, broken bottles, cans and maybe a sneaky snake or two.  It seems these two hens got some wires crossed and I had to pay for it.  I got out the Honda, cus I ain’t using my new tractor on that &*^$#.  Well, this ain’t all that bad, I tell myself.  WRONG again, Kemoslobby.  I forgot to put the deck belt back on when I finished working on it.  I came back, to start again.  The first battle outa the rocks got me a deck fullo chicken wire where the yard has a drop off in the front, to the street.  I thru ever bit of that wire into the street.  Well, I whooped out as much as I could with the mower and the weedeater was next.  I blew so much dust up into the air with the Honda, I didn’t figger there was much left.  WRONG.  When I picked up the weedeater the trigger thingy was broken.  WHAT?  I had to stand there on

Time to put the new part in and go mow the dust.

the hot hood of the Honda and loose two nuts into the abiss of dirt so bad that a strong magnet couldn’t locate them.  I ended up fastening it back together with a wire tie, just to get in there and finish the job.  Thats my brand new Echo weedeater.  And so the dust flew, high and all over me.  I have never seen a weed that this weedeater couldn’t cut and I use 105 …the good stuff.  Some of the weeds turned to dust and some just stood there.  I busted bottles, zinged cans just past my ears and I’m gittin MAD.  I gather up my parts and all the stuff and headed home.  I made my dam dang twenty five bucks.  Yes, I went back and got all that chicken wire outa the street.

    Over at the first house, Joann had just done it the previous Sunday.  I vowed not to even open the big shop doors yesterday.  So, when I went out there yesterdy morning and opened the big shop doors, I got out the Cushman to go check the mail but when I came back, I could see her husband down there mowing with his new John Deere riding mower in his own back forty.  Dust was a flying.  I went down there and we was chewing the fat, when Joann comes up.  Albert goes back to mowing.  Joann wants to know if I do much welding.  I figger I’m safe since we are talking in person.  WRONG!!  She has this old barbeque pit with the bottom rusted out.  This thang is way up in the back, about two flights of stairs.  We walk back down and to the other forrest of dead trees for a large piece of metal for the repairs.  Okay, so far.  Just to be sure, I ask about everthang being okay with Albert.  No, no, it’s fine.  Before I could get the Cushman started, so that I could load all this, she says “That won’t fit in your little truck”.  Red Flag!  Then she starts saying that she better ask Albert first.  I’m ready to leave.  She said that she would come by in a while and let me know what he said.  I haven’t heard from her since.  Anyway, as I was coming home on the Cushman, I spotted Big Jackie’s wife Shirley out back of their house trying to clean up where I had been trying to clean up.  We got up a load of wood and I took off to dump it.  I brought the little dump truck back for them to re-load it.  Her and Roy began to stand around like they was going to watch me load it.  I pulled the keys and gave them to Shirley because little Ivan was there, too. Since I live next door, I went home and told Shirley when it’s full, send Roy to let me know.  In a bit here came Roy.  He had tried to move it and……to make a long story short, I took it and emptied it and parked it in the shop.  Sure glad I didn’t open them shop doors.  Today, being Sunday, I’m not going to open the doors again.  I have a new cigarette lighter kit to install on the new tractor and a front bumper.  I gotta fix the weedeater correctly and I just remembered something.  When the shop lights are on, you can tell from the outside.  I still ain’t showered or even eaten as far as that goes.  Monday, ever danged thang is closed around town.  Ya’ll have a nice weekend and stay away from here.  Oh, and by the way,  all you’se women stay inside until further notice.  Later, my friends.

 Ronmower “Stands With Wrench” Weedeater;

“KATHLIKS”

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church but only the janitor was there.  One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”  Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.  Then he said, “You are now baptized!”  When they got outside, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”  The oldest one said, “We’re not *Kathlick*, because they pour the water on you.”  “We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”  “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.” The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”  They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’ “I think it means we’re Pisskopailians!”

MTD GOLD, hydrostatic lawn tractor

    Friday evening we were going to go grocery shopping at Wal*Mart when We spotted some new riding mowers at this place for sale.  I didn’t recognize the brand.  We decided to go ahead and do our shopping and come back by the mowers for a visit and to say “Hello” to them and welcome them to our world.  When we got there, I was surprised to see that they were MTD.  I ain’t real fond of MTD, but never really knew why.  I began to check out the biggest one they had and it wasn’t so bad looking.  As my thinking cap began to smoke, I realized that the machine had a lot going for it than the oyster gray shiny paint.  It had a 20hp Kohler motor and a 42 inch cut deck under it.  Well, lets see.  What else has it got.  There is an oil filter, which means it has an oil pump inside.  The back tires are as big as the Honda’s back tires.  It has a hydrostatic rear end which means it acts like an automatic, just like the Honda.  It has a place for a cigarette lighter and a amp. gauge.  It has a cup holder and a junk box to keep extra smokes, keys, whatever.  Then it comes to me about “What is wrong with MTD or at least this one.  The motor is by Kohler.  The tires are by Carlisle.  The hydro transmission is made here in America.  The frame and fender stuff looked good.  This machine was named MTD Gold and I liked it.  The motor is named Kohler “Courage” and I like Kohler.  Ma’am liked it.  She liked it well enough to go inside and plunk down the money.  We have a 2 year warranty and they said they would deliver it today.  I didn’t know that meant 8:30 Friday night.  There it was tho, missing hood scoop and all.  It had never had any gasoline.  The batterycables had never been hooked up.  The tires had no stop-leak.  It had never been greased.  It shore is a purdy thang, tho.  It was too late to get into all that, so I went to the den to read the books that came with it.  I couldn’t have run it without reading the manuals.  I wouldn’t have known how.  It has a “Safety Interlock System”  which means you’ll have to learn how to drive one of these all over again.  Things used to be a lot simpler.  You could just undo the seat switch thingy and go on about your mowing.  Not no more.  Seems like backing up when you are cutting around a tree is a safety issue.  If you hit reverse, it’ll kill the engine.  The key switch must be in a cetain position and a button mashed to turn on a red light.  I still can’t turn off the headlights.  

Yesterday, I took it to the lawn area of the creek.  This usually takes about two days to complete with the 38 inch cut Honda.  You wouldn’t believe how much an extra 4 inches makes when mowing a large area.  I done this whole place in just under a day and the haunted house, too.  The head lights were on the whole time.  They have no switch.  The next morning, I had a flat on the left front.  That’s when it come to me that it had no stop-leak in the tires…. it does now.  Ma’am got upset that it had dust all over it.  On the deck is a little chrome doo-kicky.  I looked it up and you hook your garden hose up to it (on the deck) and start the engine.  It warshes out the crap and stuff from under the deck.  Well.  It is not a cheaply made machine.  Seems to be a top notch cutter as I can go faster than the Honda and not have to go back over any of it.  That helps me more than anything.  I looked for areas that MTD may have done in a cheap way and found out that my ideas of a cheap machine were unfounded.  I went online to check ‘em out.  They seem very competent.  You know whut?  I musta done a good thang.  Surprised ?  Me, too.  

    I get Farm Show magazine and it’s about inventions that are made in shops of everyday folks and they got some dang good idears on ever page.  What I found yesterday was that Zero-Turn mowers with the woogy woogy, shopping cart type front wheels tend to drift downward if you are going sideways along  the bottom of an incline.  Now, I’m not so dead set to have a Z-turn mower.  I’ll take one but I have all I need for mowing, I believe.  Still, I want a front loading little tractor for my Cushman Truckster.  Ma’am wants a new computer and not no little one, either.  It’ll be a long time before it gets back around to me again.  The part for the Honda should be in sometime Wednesday.  Big Jackie has dibbs in on helping me by running that with me as I mow.  I don’t know.  I enjoy mowing and sharing is not one of my virtues.  I’ll try…..maybe.  The dogs are sure talking about this new mower.  “BARK BARK BARK BARK  wait, is that Daddy on that blasted machine?”  “HUH”  “I don’t know wheather to bark or not…whut chu thank?”  “Lets ask Baby”.  “Snort”  They don’t bark at me no more but they sure do hike they’re legs in my direction tho.  That was my week…..busy, busy, busy.  Later my friends.  

    Ronmower “You” Weedeater

     

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,    found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down, gently woke the woman and said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” ”I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”   “That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. ”Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.” After a moment of silence … he farted.

    

I’m about to dry plumb out from all the showers.

    Mothers Day, harrumph!  My momma is gone, so I’m off the hook.  Just another day and when it comes to Fathers Day…..same thang.  I never did really have one of those father guys.  Poor old Ronmower.  It don’t bother me none tho.  I like Christmas the most, anyway.  Ma’am and I try to have that all year long.  Like when I finish a big job and get paid for it.  The extra money is Christmas time.  Usually, we eat out first and then pay a most annoying bill.  Then back to werk. 

    My neighbor across the street, Andy, bought a used riding mower for $25.  He wanted me to come look at it.  Wow!!  It was a 1998 Huskee with a 21 horse power Briggs and Stratton engine, 46 inch cut, big 12 inch tires on the back, an amp guage, and it runs, but only as long as you pour gasoline down the carbruretor.  He wants me to fix it.  We roll it over here to the shop and remove the carb.  The sediment bowl was half fullo  (being nice here) sediment.  Still, it don’t run on it’s own.  So, I go to the vacuum powerd fuel pump.  The hose is split wide open….replaced.  It wants to run but very sloppy.  The positive crankcase ventilation valve is shot and the hose is rotted and split open….no vacuum.  It must have vacuum.  So, there it sits until he can get money for parts and a battery. To run a machine like this, he’ll need a battery charger and a way to keep the tires pumped up.  This machine is biggern my John Deere a little bit and is not too bad a looking mower.  It probably cost a purdy penny when it was new, too.  I offerd him $50 for it and he won’t take it.  I wanted that Z-turn mower that this guy named Dan has on Facebook but he won’t say what he wants for it.  Guess I’ll fergit it and look someplace else.  Meanwhile, folks keep coming up with these demented little machines for me to “Git going again”.  One of these days, somebody is gonna unload one of them little monsters, that has been beat all to heck and neglected and I’m gonna whoop out my shotgun and blow it to smitherines. and charge them $10 for the shotgun shell.  That’ll fix that machine.  Sticking a rag out of the gas tank and lighting it comes to mind, too.  Maybe someday, I’ll put an ad in the paper inviting folks to come blow up some of these clunkers and set fire to them….for a price.  Will have hotdogs and Coke on hand…..for a price.  Then we could have an auction iffn ya wanna git rid of your own mowers and I may have a few.  “Come one come all”……ya know??  And instead of garage sales for one weekend, ya’ll could bring your crap and we could auction it off, too.  Everbody, wins. 

    Maybe next week, I can show ya’ll a picture of the new John Deere tailgate cooker/barbeque.  I’m trying to make this mini-barbeque look sorta like a John Deere tractor.  We’ll see.  At least it’ll be green & yuller.  One time, I thought about painting Ma’ams car like that, then I woke up.  Theres a lot of green & yuller around here and I’ve been thinking of doing a bit of Minneapolis-Moline red, maybe yuller & cream for Cub Cadet, maybe even some NAPA yuller & blue.  Maybe I should go take this weeks shower and thank about it.  I’ve been so worried about this shower.  I should just do it and git it over with.  It’s gonna burn, I’ll end up smellin like a dandy, and people will stare.  Maybe if I switch from Lava soap to Go-Jo, it’ll help.  I need to dry off with red shop rags and go hide under the bed for a while.  That woman is so mean for making me do this and I gotta be nice to her today.  I got my own coffee and she jump me about it.  “I knew you could do it yourself, I knew it”.  I smiled at her and she says”WHUT”?  Womens!!!! HUMBUG!!!  I’ll take a good Riding mower anyday. I have a mikerwave and the stores have tv dinners.  Still I need someone to answer the door and take the trash out.  Oh, and feed the dogs.  A good Z-turn mower…..or even a good regular mower would get people to looking up to me, instead of stareing at me with a odd look.  Ma’am says it’s the smell, not the mower.  I’ve seen folks put a smell good thingy in their cars and trucks.  I’ve tried some of that and it don’t help.  Strangers will get bright eyes, in Wal*Mart, and focus on me.  This shower falderall has gotta stop unless when I get thru, I can go stand amonst some burning tires.  One time, when I was young, I prowld around the local dump, after dumping some old boards, and I came home smelling like a ho house.  You gotta be careful what you touch now days.  Showers git all over you like a skunk and stay with you jist about as long.   Folks are always wondering what I’m up to now, now you know.  I gotta go do the deed (and an itty bitty tear is letting him down).  My friends. 

Ronmower “Sneezy” Weedeater;

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he w…as 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

Belly Buttons ??

    We got a little rain, yesterdy.  We might git some more today.  The grass has been turning to yuller and brown, like it did last year but maybe this’ll help some.  I guess, if I’m going to blow the driveshaft outa the Honda, this is a good time to do it.  The John Deere shore cut nice the other day, in the Honda’s place.  I need some more equipment.  I got this Cushman dumptruck but I ain’t got no way to load it.  I’m too old to load dirt by shovel.  I need a little tractor with a bucket on the front.  A Bobcat comes to mind.  A  Z-turn mower and a chipper/shreddar would be nice, too.  If I had that, I never would come in to eat a meal.  Ma’am would hafta bring it out to me.  No more (grins) showers and I could sleep in the back of the dumptruck with Rodney.  That wouldn’t work some good, the dumptruck ain’t got no Facebook. 

    I got a new project going on in the shop.  It’sa tailgate cooker for barbeque’n.  I got this 8-inch pipe, two foot long and 1/2 inch thick and done already cut a door in it.  I’m thankin about fixin it up to look sorta like a John Deere tractor with wheels , green and yuller paint, the whole nine yards and then sell it.  It’ll really work, but I don’t want to mess it up.  Hmmm, I wonder about red paint.  I could get enough money on it to pay for the Honda part ($85).  Brilliant, ain’t it.  I do this all the time but I end up giving the stuff away.  I have this diamond shaped scar on my forehead for giving stuff away.  Ma’am put it there so’s I would always see it and never fergit.  What gits me is I have a frig fulla beer and nobody wants it.  They come, bring their own and leave a few ever dang time and I can’t bring myself to jist throw it away.  Garage Sale !!!  Thats it!!  I could sell it at a Yard Sale with the cooker and some dermater preserves that Ma’am put up a few years ago.  Or some Saturday, Ma’am could take it to that Farmers Market thingy they have down there on the courthouse square.  Is there no end to this brilliance?  Them maters are still good.  Ma’am and her mom put them up when she was only ten years old (1958).  Ain’t none of ‘em  s’ploided or nuttin.  Well, there was this one, but that was way back there in 1962.  They should be jist right fer a git together, be it an egg toss, terbacky spittin contest, or horseshoe pitchen.  They could cook up a whole batch of weeners in that cooker to go with them maters, drank that beer and have a hooten hollerin time, don’t cha know?  Sometimes, my good services just blow me away. 

    Somebody told me the other day that fog ain’t nuttin but a cloud on the ground.  Thats whut they said.  I don’t thank that comes with no lightnin tho, since I ain’t never heard no thunder from it.  Couldn’t ya jist see that tho?  Folks would be runnin into one another trying to go nowhere.  I thank about stuff, sometimes.  My mom said I was special.  Ma’am has said it  two or one times.  Them dang crazy Facebook biddy gals say it alla time.  They have a couple of other guys they pick on too.  They start out with one of ‘em saying something like “Your so funny, I could listen to you forever” and then WHAM.  Here comes the mouths.  You see, I know what girls want.  Listen up guys.  In all this whole dang world, girls just wanna have fun.  Did ya git that?  Rememmer that.  And iffn you don’t belieb me, jist ask one.  They will answer that or they just don’t know yet.  Do you know that crying makes ‘em feel better.  Thats why if you winder peek enough, you’ll see one sitting alone, crying fer no reason.  You can see her 30 minutes later and she is as fine as rain.  Go figger.  Thays deminted I tell ya.  Thats my story and I’m sticken to it.  I just sprayed on some “Fresh Blue Musk” for men.  When I lit up a smoke, I lit up my chest and burnt both hairs and the little one, off.  I ain’t even been to the shower yet and I can tell whut kinda day this is gonna be.  Ma’am just waddled in and she wants to know why the &$$^_____ $@*&))  blog ain’t writ and done already on.  She has gotten to where she goes fer the ears ever time, so I don’t answer her some much anymore.  Have ya’ll ever noticed how fat girls don’t have a belly button no more?  Well, iffn ya dig all the crap out and shine a light up in there, theres one.  But I would thank that the button would come out with the belly as it grows.  It must be hooked to something else in there somewhere, but what could it be?  There I go thankin again.  Whew, I amaze myself.  I wuz writin and I just drifted off to womens bellys.  Ya’ll do that??  I had a science teacher that done that.  He was my favorite teacher.  They fired him for some reason.  Listen up ya’ll.  I gotta run.  No really, I gotta run.  Ma’am can’t find one of the dogs (Buster).  Later my friends.

  Ronmower “Left Brain” Weedeater;

 I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. 

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, 
then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. 
All the while, my wife Anne is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, You need a piece of tail.
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

I Ain’t Ready Fer All This

    Isn’t it lovely?  Spring is here and the birds are singing.  I’m gonna git my shotgun out iffn them dang birds don’t shaddup.  I got depression real bad this past week, my blood sugar ain’t doing right, I blew the drive line outa my Honda riding mower,  and I’m broke.  Finding parts for a Honda brand anything is like pushing a chain up a sand dune.  I did find it tho.  What I have is a driveshaft with a rubber do-dad on the ends.  This rubber thing (next to the engine) is what tore up.  First, you take the motor out and there it is.  Honda don’t call it a driveshaft.  They call it a propeller shaft, I guess since it has a fan blade on the back end of it.  I can’t order just the rubber thang, I have to order the six inch gizmo that it is glued to, also.  Price…..$85.00  I have about 85 cents.  Depression is going pretty strong now.  I could go for months without taking Diabetes pills, then pop a couple and be good for months again.  Now, I take ‘em every day.  My depression pills are running out soon.  Ya want another thriller, my doctor wrote me a certified letter dropping me from being a patient.  No reason, just dropped.  Spring……ha!  I just as soon go back to Winter.  I guess I got an attitude, huh?  Ma’am has a tooth acting up and the other morning, when she got up, she came dragging into the den here, with a sour look, grumbling and looking like Vince McMahon (Chairman of the Board- WWE Wrestling) and she wanted a good morning kiss.  I didn’t want to kiss Vince McMahon and she got mad.  Her face swelling has gone down now, whew.  What are you going to do about mowing  Weedwhacker ?  All I can do is get the Craftsman/John Deere ready and give it a whirl.  Since thecomplete overhaul and paint job, I ain’t even got it dirty yet.  I suppose I’ll do that today.  What can go wrong?  I got up to go to the bathroom last night and found Ma’am sitting on the front porch with the porch light on and the flood light, made from a commercial parking lot flood lamp.  She was just sitting there by the window.  Thru the window, I asked her whut she was doing.  She had took the trash out.  Now, I’m wondering about her wiring even tho no smoke comes outa her ears (yet).  I’m jist waiting on payday in about three weeks and even then there won’t be enough to go around.  I wonder who I’ll blow up on when the money runs back out again.  As I see it, in a way, God put me here on this Earth to see how well I can take what he throws at me, a test, if you will.  You can ease up now Sir.  I can use a brake.  I gotta be careful here or he’ll have me going a long painful, drawn out demise like Ma’am has planned for me.  Even the Facebook old hens are starting to act a wee bit more strange (or is it me).  Oh, how I love Spring.  All I need now is for my barber to bring that female barber back in.  Boo hoo hoo, whoa is poor little Weedwhacker.  Hey, thats it.  I’ll git out the weedeater and ….. no, you hafta mow first, then weedeat.  Why don’t I just haul off and kick Ma’am right in the arse and have her to end it all.  That won’t work.  I’d run and she couldn’t catch me, even with that $50,000 dollar knee she has now.  I bet if she’d re-adjust that broom of hers, she could go faster.  I thank I saw one of them Facebook hens floating around here the other day, may have been a buzzard, I don’t know.  Writing this just reminded me of another thang that them old hens and Ma’am like to torture me about.  This is

Everthang is all secure now.

 shower day and I ain’t in the mood fer it.    I thank I’ll git cremated when I go and I’ll fill my pockets with fireworks.  That’ll learn ‘em.  Maybe it’ll make the front page of the local paper.  James needs something to write about.  James is the chief pencil sharpener down there.  A real neat guy.  All this past week, I’ve done nothing but sit here…….thankin.  What I need to do is stand up and go out back to the shop.  You thought I was going to say, take a shower, didn’t you.  Sure glad tomorrow is Friday.  Some folk think I’m crazy and you know whut?  Thats just fine with me.  It makes it more interesting when you have ‘em buffaloed.  You can git by with more, too.  It also brings out more of them when they think its okay to let go a little.  Women have this affliction and I swear I can make ‘em happier than if I gave them roses.  Maybe I shouldn’t have given that away.  Since not going out to the shop all week, I need to go check tire pressures, water, gasoline, and burp the John Deere.  Catch you later, my friends.

Ronmower  “Thumpin Gizzard”  Weedeater;

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before …. I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

 If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

Brains and More

    Morton’s Salt boxes used to say “When it rains…..it pours”.  Ya can belieb dat playya.  I acquired a few bucks, last week and guess whut?  The battery on the Honda mower went bad.  That ain’t so bad, is it?  Since it is a small battery, it only set me back about $45.00.  I got the Craftsman/John Deere outa storage and put its battery back on.  Deadern a doornail.  That set me back $78.76.  All my money is gone and Ma’am is pis ticked off.  We just got thru putting a new one on the car.  I’m getting tired of buying tires and batteries.  I’m on a first name basis out there at Tractor Supply and Ma’am is at NAPA, too.  Wayne, at Tractor Supply, told me one time that when I go, there going to dedicate the mower section to me by hanging a plaque on the wall above all that stuff.  I stomped his toes for that remark.  I love to go in there and tease the women until they give me candy or something from behind the counter.  I got so many lady friends, I can’t remember them all.  After putting that new battery on the John Deere/Craftsman, I took it for a spin.  It has a deeper growl than most stuff around here since it is 18 hp.  I had a ball riding all over the neighborhood and up on the next street.  It looks brand new and you can’t tell it from a real John Deere, even when you open up the hood.  I’m thinking of pulling the yard sweeper around with it this summer.  There’s a couple of new tires, right there.  Since I build a wrecker thingy for the Cushman mini-dump truck, I’ve been hauling huge tree logs from Big Jackies place.  That gismo worked bettern I thought it would.  My new neighbor Andy, got a 8 1/2hp, rear engine Yard King the other day.  Ma’am says its cute.  He run it all over and broke the drive belt.  I thank it broke his heart too.  I put him a new one on and he likes mowing so well, he mows into my territory a wee bit.  No complaints here.  Andy is a good guy.  If any of you folks out there have two or one boys, about nine to 12 years old, that you could loan me for a few years, I’ll give ‘em back with most of their limbs still attached or I could save the limbs in a box for ya, but you’ll have to figger out which is which.  I guess I could mark them and save ‘em in the freezer.  You must pick them up by no later than 15 years of age tho.  They will know how to drive a mower or at least do dishes.  Oh, and they might have new names.  Years ago, I was going to steal a grandson from Big Jackie but the kid had to git married and move away.  I was trying to get one of my son’s kids and Randall thought about it for a few seconds and then his eyes got real big and he said, “Hell No”. Randall has two smaller boys, maybe later.  We sure as heck ain’t havin no gurls around.  Nope, nope, ain’t gonna do it.  Why, they’d git on Facebook and be ruint right then and there.  Ma’am wouldn’t mind a dishwarsher or stoop & fetchet, tho.  Walton’s Mountain comes to mind again or Little Mouse On The Prarie.  I could learn the boys all sorts of stuff but the girls…..well, you know.  They’d start wanting shoes and mirrors and pants with pockets…..useless thangs.  They’d start combing their hair, giggling, thanking about dresses, that boy that lives down the street.  Us guys have shown them how to tell time but now days I bet only two of ten can do it without a digital watch.  I can’t figger out why they want to be like the guys but still be differnt.  They drive, wear britches, vote….which was a big mistake, cuss, smoke, fight, cypher, and shoot guns.  Some of ‘em like each other.  I saw one on a mower the other day and I can’t figger out how I feel about that.  I even saw one outside barbequing and even tho cooking is their natural job, it still didn’t seem right.  I saw a gal on a roof, hammering down wood shingles…..just soo rong.  Now, don’t get me wrong, womens do belong in the workforce……at skools, maybe a dentist office or as a cahier but not in trucks, roofs, or a man’s barber shop. For instance, there was a skool teacher that quit her job to become a astronaut.  I thank her name was Christi McAuliff.  The rocket thang took off and then blew up.  She jinxed the whole thang.  Probably was playing with all the knobs and buttons.  I art not talk like that.  Theres hungry kids down there in Uganda and Lord, I pologise fer that.  Like I say, women have wires in their heads and men have boxes.  Some times   All the time, them wires git crossed up and you can SEE the smoke coming outa their ears.  They git hot flashes.  They don’t even phart…..can’t keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.  I gotta go now…..by the time Ma’am gets up and reads this, I need to be down the creek somewhere.  Later, my friends. 

 

 

 

 

 

Ronmower “Forrest” Weedeater;

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing — imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when Poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 1 chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 200 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper.. Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it’s done and ready to eat. And you thought I couldn’t cook …

I Lack Fourteen Dollars Having Twenty Seven Cents

    Seems as tho the drought has gotten  some trees around here.  I lost my Peach tree and Fruitless Mulberry tree.  I spent all week cutting them up and hauling them off.  I put some charcoal around the Peach tree stump and now there is only a hole to cover up.  That was all of the charcoal, so I ask Ma’am to go get me some.  She gave me a weird look, so I told her it was for the Mulberry tree.  I guess she thought I might try to cook with it.  After I got it, I put some around the stump just so-so and lit it.  This morning I got up to rain.  Things ain’t been so good this week.  I haven’t been feeling all that good and its been hot.  My yard is the worst yard in the area.  So, I got into doing that.  Have you ever weedate doggy doo?  Tain’t funny.  Some of the weeds came up to my underarms.  Three Spruce trees got removed and two Rose bushes.  There was two years of leaves, four tennis balls (The dogs ate the others),  and ….OH, looky here….Here comes the sun for a hot AND muggy afternoon.  It feels like I’m gonna have a whole month fulla Mondays.  On top of all this, I ain’t even near being thru and I was supposed to mow at the haunted house last Thursday.  The creek needs mowing as well as …….everthang.  Lot one has four dead trees and I don’t know about lot #2.  I’ve been building a wrecker contraption for the Cushman.  It ain’t finished and still needs work to the pulley thang.  Anyway, I tried it out on some heavy logs and it works great.  I might try some of those huge logs that Big Jackie has up at his place.  He’d like that.  What I really need to do is git me some of them church kids that go around cleaning up for folks or some prisoners from the jail.  We have a inmate overpopulation situation here and I believe this might help out some with that and get things done too.  I don’t wanna git deputised tho.  I’m too nice of a guy and we’d all git caught drinking beer and having mower races and shooting turtles. 

     Since this is Sunday, I ain’t gonna worry about it no more and see how bad off the old hens on Facebook have it.  They ain’t been saying much here lately.  They used to threaten me a lot but now they even tell me they love me which is just another part of their dearranged world.  I know that they are just changing into another gear to ruin my perfect lil space in time because thats about all they got left.  Good thanking, huh?  You see, one of these days, when I keel over, theys gonna bawl and squal and their world will crash.  That’ll  show them old birds and I’ll win.  Or maybe they will have a wine party…..I dunno.  This dang curser….. no that was a fly.  I’m just an old man (they say phart) who is trying to do the best he can……and take some old bitties down with me.  You guys all know that womens git under my skin and I been preaching about how you guys can defend yourselves.  For ever guy like me, they got an opposite.  So have I done any good?  Only our kids and grandkids will know.  Watch your daughters and granddaughters.  Heck, watch them boys, too.  You’ll know iffn you have been teaching them right.  If not, box ‘em up and send them over here.  A little yard work won’t hurt none of ‘em.  Make sure they have clothes on tho.  I have three kids in the neighborhood that don’t wear ‘em.  This one kid needs a rake duct taped to his hands and his sister needs it across her nasty mouth.  The other kid squats in the yard.  Ya’ll don’t send me no yard monkeys like that.  And no curtain climbers, carpet rats, and don’t expect them back.  Those that suck their thumbs will be loaded up with various other off shoots and sent to Mexico ( only to return later with 15 or 14 more if they grow up). 

    Its fun gitten old.  The other day, I put on my old man voice at Wal*Mart and told some teen boys to “Move” and they did.  They wouldn’t like my ever day voice.  It scares girls, so I gotta watch it.  Some even thank I’m mean.  Imagine that.  What happens when I encounter a mean female?  Well, we might do a 180* around each other and then stick our tongues out as we walk off or  stick up our middle fanger, behind our backs, as we walk off.  When I was about sixteen, I was walking along the street and this gal in a convertible fulla gals and a big guy driving wants him to stop so she could whoop me.  I started taking my clothes off and hollered for the driver to get out.  He floorboarded it and they promised to get me later as they zoomed away.  Lordy, they scared me bad.  By the way, I don’t recogmend ya’ll doing any of these thangs, but I don’t recogmend just standing there either.  Oh, and always wear a cup.  Day or night…..even in Facebook For Forty+.  Till next Sunday…..later my friends.

 Ronmower “Alley Cat” Weedeater;

 

BEST QUOTE OF THE DECADE – from the CZECH REPUBLIC

 

Some people have the vocabulary to sum up things in a way you can understand them. This quote came from the Czech Republic :

“The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting an inexperienced man like him with the Presidency.

It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama Presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their President.

The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America .

Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince.

The Republic can survive a Barack Obama.

It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools who made him their President.”

 

Amen

Creative Retirement or How To Get Outa Dutch.

    I’ve been in dutch for most of my life.  I can stand in the corner with the best of ‘em.  Even when mowing, I can pull some real booboos.  There is usually a stick, tree, fire ant mound, rock, or hole involved. Some times I would break a tree limb and it would fall on my punkin lil head or lap.  I have run a back tire up a tree and rolled over.  I have hit fire ants and blew a million of them into the air where the wind would blow them back over me.  I have dropped into holes where I would just sit there and sip coffee and smoke.  I’ve passed too close to a chain link fence where a bolt would be sticking out and ripped a rear tire open.  Once a beer bottle came flying off the bridge and dang near hit me.  Another time a horse trailer full of pig slop came flying down off the hyway where I dodged a potential bad scene.  As it was, the trailer took out the gate to lot one and almost the community mailboxes.  It stopped when it hit the tree that stepped out in the way.  It still bears the scars of that day.  I most near messed my pants when this happened and the hiway petrol got out with shorts on.  I’ve had dogs, snakes and cops come to me and run from me or whats blowing out from under me.  A couple of fellers have drowned down here and once the place was coverd with men with guns, hunting a rabid bobcat, they got it, too.  What am I getting at ?  I like what I do.  When I get in trouble, I go mow and find a shade tree to drink coffee and have a smoke.  I may watch the deer or the black birds that follow me around or park by the water and watch fish or snakes go by.  Often, I have my pistol and/or pepper spray with me….just in case.  One time I had a dog come after me from the other side of the creek where he and his master were walking the walking trail.  His owner couldn’t stop him and I didn’t have any pepper spray or pistol at this time.  I had to crawl up onto the roof, thus I have them now and a new understanding of dogs.  I used to drive and drink all day….in the creek.  I don’t do that anymore but I mow all day at times……usually only half a day all the time.  I’ve cut the creek to where I would leave a huge heart exposed in the middle.  My judge friend saw that and he talks about that, even today.  That was to indicate “The Heart of Texas” as they call it.  The geografical center of Texas is actually about fifteen or ten miles North of town.  I like to study the types of weeds and grasses as I go.  Not the names but how and why they cut the way they do.  I also love to hear tales of long ago around here.  The old timers  have told me about the big flood back in 1938 and how some farmers that live here on the creek and a Indian attacked one of the boys who was working in the field here.  All the others started shooting at the Indian.  A few days later, they found the Indian down the creek here , just a little ways……dead in the weeds and smelling to high heaven.  While mowing, I run some of these old stories thru the memory banks but not too much or I’ll end up dreaming about it.  As a kid, I grew up on a creek where I would dig caves into the side of it.  There was a small bridge there very close, which flooded out from time to time.  Snyder, Texas was home then and Travis Junior High was across the street.  I hated the town and I hated the teachers and couldn’t wait to get out as soon as I was old enough.  By the time I was seventeen, I never called it home again.  I’m home here in Brady.  I finally bought my own stack of rocks (home) and own sevaral mowers and a mini-dump truck/mower/truckster.  I have a shop and jillions of neat tools.  I have thought up ideas and actually made a few inventions that surprise even me.  Mowing don’t make you rich but I’m rich without money.  I’ve learned how to make many of my parts or substitute others for better or as good as performance.  My son and I built the shop hook onto the house and I can go to werk in my drawers if I want to.  I don’t, but I could.   When I get too old to do shop or mowing work, I’m going to turn into another Big Jackie and find me someone to tell all my stories to.  I’ll get me a lectric wheelchair and ride all over the place and look at what the Irish Addition used to look like back in the day.  Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to be buried in the front yard face down.  Later, my friends.

Ronmower “Left Brain” Weedeater:

PS    The old Facebook hens were affended when I didn’t write about them last week. This week? ….snicker. 

                                      *BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE *

*A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure
out how to get started.”

Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver haired lady** **says, “According to the picture on the
box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a
nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh ………….. *

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”*

Kids were everwhere.

Kids were everwhere..

Kids were everwhere.

    The grass and weeds are back up.  This time the weeds are shorter and fuller and things will look even better after mowing.  I did get the creek mowed on my side but the city had to use the big John Deere and batwing shredder on the other side.  Meanwhile, I gotta go back and do everthang all over as if it had never been done.  I got Alton’s riding mower going…..again.  It started with a hole rubbed into it’s plastic gas tank.  Everbody said you can’t fix plastic gas tanks.  It just can’t be done.  Can, too.  I’ve fixed several.  After fixing that one, I decided to take it for a mowing spin.  It seemed to do okay but it had a steering thing going on.  It wouldn’t turn so good to the right.  Anyway, I ran it around behind Alton’s barn and the right front wheel falls off.  I lean way back to see if it would balance it on three wheels, so that I could get it back to the shop.  Nope.  Alton had put a nail in the cotter pin hole that holds the wheel on and it rubbed out the center of the plastic hub.  I grabbed the little wheel and stomped off to the shop where I got a warsher and a pin.  The warsher keeps the pin from rubbing. Alton said he couldn’t find a warsher.  When I get it back, another neighbor hollars at me and he wants to give me a weedeater.  Says it has a hole in the gas tank.  It sure did.  I put it up onto the steel work bench and took the gas tank off.  Yep, thats a hole.  Thats where a gas line goes in.  I found a piece of the gas line way back in behind stuff.  It had rotted until it just crumbled.  Soon, it was running just fine and I gave it to Big Jackies wife Shirley.  Speaking of them two, Yesterday morning, three pickups, and a car came around the corner here, carrying three mowers, six weedeaters and a zero-turn mower on two trailers.  There musta been fifteen or fourteen boys and girls.  They tooled on down the street to Jackie’s house and piled out.  Not wanting to seem nosey, I peeked around the sided of the house and they was unloading.  What ta heck??  I jumped on the Cushman and drove over there.  Some kin to Shirley had gave their name at church to Friends of……I fergit.  Anyway, these high skool kids where all over the place.  In no time they had a trailer fullo-crap and the grass was all mowed and weedeated.  These kids are whut I need.  I jist sat there with Jackie with my mouth open and they packed up and left within thirty minutes.  I went around to the back of the house and I couldn’t believe it.  Nice, I tell ya. 

    When all this took place, Ma’am and I had just got back from garage sales.  This one gal gave me a Dell computer and keyboard.  I hooked up my monitor to it and it came alive.  Only it was pass word protected…to get on.  It would go no further.  Finally, I started to re-install Winders XP but the hard drive got a fatal error and that was that.  I do have a lotta parts from it tho and I need them. 

    And now, its Sunday.  I gotta write this and take a (you know)……shower.  Then every blade of grass (and weeds) will be out there winking at me.  ” Hey Ron, c’mere”.  I’ll get all itchyfied.  When that happens, the next thing you’ll hear is gasoline gurgling as I’m filling up the tank on the Honda.  I

Honda 4514

don’t mind that so much as when I’m done, some place will need it again in about four or three days.  I been thanking about mowing only once a week.  I could just run out and cut everthang and then sit back in horror as it all comes back.  But, that wouldn’t werk.  I sorta do that already, only it takes me all week.  Sunday is all I have left and sometimes not even that.  Sometimes I jist hafta sit down and refuse.  Sometimes I’ll cop a “My clothes don’t fit today” or ” My clutch leg hurts” (no clutch) or  “I can’t find my keys”.  If it rains, that makes me happy, too.  And then again,  Jackie can wheel his chair up under a shade tree where a nice breeze is barely blowing and we’ll sit and chat while drinking coffee.  Often he has a paperback book.  Often, I sit alone and entertain my thoughts and smoke.  Even when I’m not mowing, I see Jackie under a tree, reading where the grass has been cut and smelling nice.  The grass, not Jackie.  The old man is 78 now and I venture to say he’ll make it to a hunderd.  Me, I just hope to make it to 78.  I’ll catch you next week, Later my friends.

Ronmower “Left Brain” Weedeater;

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of

hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…“
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  Then, I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back inside and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar; he’s never been out of the yard’